Friday, June 17, 2011

How to Be a Weiner

Here’s how it to rise through the levels of the World of Political Stupidity game. I’ll outline it for you so that if you ever become a politician, you’ll know what to do.


  1. Commit an indiscretion. This is important. You must actually be guilty. (Don’t worry. When you walk through the doors of Congress, you’ll have to check your morals, so this won’t be as hard as you think it is.) Now, this indiscretion will be one of two types: monetary or who-who.
  2. Get found out. Someone will tell the media. Someone always tells the media.
  3. Categorically deny everything, including even knowing the people involved. I don’t care if it’s your momma who turns you in, you’ve got to play innocent.
  4. After clear and indisputable evidence comes to light, admit to some guilt, but maintain your overall innocence. This is a good time to yell ‘conspiracy.’ If your indiscretion is of a monetary nature, you’ll stay on level 4 for a long time, and then you’ll eventually be made Secretary of State. This is a good thing. You just won the game.
  5. If your indiscretion involved a who-who, either yours or someone else’s, you’ll need to move to this stage. Admit all guilt. Hold a press conference, preferably with your dying loved one standing by your side, and apologize. Make sure you include a)your constituency b)your spouse, whom you’ve hurt and greatly disappointed c)your children d)your mommma e)the general population of the US, who has had to see your ugly face on every newscast for the past week. Refuse to resign.
  6. Resign.


Now, the only change to this plan is if you are President or a Supreme Justice. They don’t resign. They have to stay on level 5 for a very long time, and every 10 years CNN will run a “where are we now?” update on all the players involved, but you get to keep your job, your interns and your aides. You just won the game.


Here’s the question I have: what moron, who uses the media to win a government job, sends photos through that same media? What was that thought process like? “Oh, I know, I’ll just snap a picture of my nasty and send it via this very private forum to a woman, or young girl, who is not my wife. I think that will end well.”