Friday, April 29, 2011

Mad Hatter

Poor, poor Eugenie and Beatrice. The ugly cousins to balding-yet-handsome Prince William and scruffy-yet-charming (except for the whole nazi thing) Harry. It must be hard to be chunky, or over-eyelinered, or to have a bow poop on your head, when you’re in the company of a couple who was, I must say, dazzling.

When I get married to a prince, I want to be coiffed and tailored and perfectly put together, too.

But I’m much more likely to be the ugly cousin, adjusting the waistband of my dress because it’s too tight. And ducking the wrong way out of the car because I forgot that my hat is 3 feet high. I’m glad birds didn’t nest in it. It had plenty of branches. Of course, royal birds wouldn’t make that mistake. Only American ones would think she’d worn the hat out of some Earth-day homage.

I’ve got to say, Eugenie’s dress/coat thingy was cute. It would look very good on me. Beatrice’s dress would look good on a 50-year-old time-traveling from the ’80’s. 3 bows on the top? Why? To accentuate the tapestry she’d stolen from Buckingham?

Here’s the only thing that bugged me about the royal couple. While they were sitting in their chairs enjoying the music and speeches, or thinking about FINALLY having sex after having dated for so long, I wanted him to take her hand. Oh, I know, they’re Brits and they’re only allowed to touch at proscribed times. But, I really, really wanted them to hold hands during the entertainment.

When my son becomes a prince and gets married, I’ll tell him to hold her hand.

And when he does, I hope I look as good as Carol Middleton. Classy, classy woman. The fact that she didn’t wet herself while standing next to Queen Elizabeth and Hot-Pants Camilla, well, that shows how much chutzpah she’s got.

My favorite moment of the day: youngest daughter sees Prince William from behind. “He’s bald already?!? That’s gross!” The one thing she grabs onto, out of all the hats, dresses, pomp and horses, is the bald spot on the groom’s head.

It’s just proof I’m raising my kids with an idea of what’s truly most important in life. Looks.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Reporting on Thorns

This year, the Easter Bunny was threatened. “Give me chocolate, and I’ll eat you for dinner, you freakishly large rabbit.” He did not give me chocolate. Instead, he gave me a blackberry bush and 2 rose bushes. It’s been a thorny year.

The Easter Bunny is a wimp at heart. Well, he’s a rabbit, so I suppose it’s hereditary. He hides eggs, for Pete’s sake. Eggs? My children died 20 eggs this year, and have eaten exactly none of them. Okay, they’ve eaten 2 of them, deviled, and were pleased, I’m sure, to discover they each had another one for lunch. Wanna know how many we still have in the fridge? A friend takes her kids to a big hill and they all chuck their eggs down the hill. Sounds a bit Canadian Hillbilly to me, not to mention vaguely vandal-like, but at lest they don’t sit in her fridge and mock her. “Hey, so much for your environmentalism. Do you know how much waste is produced so you can buy your $1/dozen Grade A Large Eggs? And here we sit, rotting, just like that swiss chard you swore you’d do something with.”

My fridge is full. It must be time to get rid of the moldy things. Not only the swiss chard, but the mysterious items in Glad plastic bins. Hal has been making a good dent in the extra chocolate buttercream frosting I told him I would totally use if he made, and which I haven’t even looked at since, but it’s frosting. It’ll keep for months. I really need him to start taking spoons of the sauteed carrots and leftover roasted potatoes. How come he never sneaks bites of those? And why do I never catch him sticking his fingers in the almost-wilted spinach? I need KH to make me some spanikopita. Or I need to get over my hatred of working with puff pastry and do it myself.

We have rhubarb going blazes in the front yard. It’s pretty. It’s also only good with about 7,000 tons of sugar and a few strawberries doesn’t hurt, either.

I wonder if rhubarb and wilted spinach would taste good with buttercream frosting?