Saturday, April 16, 2011

Letting the Universe Know

Dear People Who Annoyed Me This Week,

First, I’m sorry that you’re a man wearing a Statue of Liberty costume. That really sucks for you. It also says a lot about your study habits in High School. But, please, don’t wave your “3 Days Left to File” sign in my direction. If I’m forced to stop my car for a red light and you are on the corner next to me, do not sing your Metallica song in my direction. Do not give me a thumbs-up and ask me to honk. I will not honk. If you were to stand in front of my car, I still would not honk. I might gun the engine and drive quickly over your poor, needs-a-different-job body, but I would not honk. I don’t like being accosted by men. And on a day when you’re reminding me about taxes, I would rather hit you with this dirty diaper that’s been sitting in my car for 4 days because I keep forgetting to put it in the garbage can than give you a thumbs-up in return.

Second, dear lady at the gym, there are two rows of showers. Each of these rows has a series of 4 shower heads, sectioned off by clear plexi-glass. If there is only one person (me) showering, DO NOT TAKE THE SHOWER NEXT TO ME! There are rules, and one of those rules states that you should choose a shower in the opposite row. I don’t want to see your ugly naked butt. I do not want you to see my ugly naked butt. This is not a bonding moment: it is a moment that makes me want to kick your legs out from under you. Men understand the “don’t stand next to me when I pee” rule. Why, oh, why, do you not understand the “don’t stand next to me when I shower” rule? And, if I’m in the shower closest to the drain, you cannot be anywhere in the same row. Because your nasty shower water will wash over my feet and I’ll feel your cooties and I may be tempted to pee on you. I’m just sayin’.

Third, sweaty gross man, ellipticals are for women. Be a man and go lift free weights or jog or do whatever it is that men do, but get off the elliptical trainer. And, if you feel you really must go “swish, swish, swish”, don’t do it next to me. The gym has, count them, 4 rows of ellipticals. There is absolutely no reason for you to put your eu-de-stale-cologne-and-sweat stench in my air space. I can smell you. And it makes me want to puke. So instead of feeling the thrill of going 60 minutes up an elliptical hill, I now need to take a Percoset and sleep. Besides, you think that this is a social occasion and you try to talk. My friends can talk to me while I’m working out. We talk about boobs and vaginas and you don’t have any of that, so keep your body and your chat out of my workout.

Ahh, that feels better.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Steve Jobs Reincarnate

“My teacher has the coolest thing. It’s an actual tray that you put in the freezer and it makes ice! We should get some of those.” 8 year old is amazed by the technology. Imagine, not having to rely on the ice maker, but actually being able to put the water in a tray and put the tray in the freezer and then having ice cubes.

Maybe I’ll buy some of that new technology for one of the 3 weddings coming up. Making ice together can be a unifying activity. It can remind couples of the need for patience, for perseverance, for remembering to fill the freakin’ tray if you take the last cube. Of course, it could also be a recipe for disaster, along the lines of “where do you squeeze the toothpaste tube” and “toilet seat up or down?”

When Hal and I were first married, he never put the seat down. I gently let him know that he was a fool, but he didn’t listen. Until he dropped his hairbrush in the toilet. And I laughed, heartily, as he reached in to retrieve it. For the next 15 years, he lowered the seat. We solved the toothpaste issue by buying separate tubes. When he almost smacked his elbow into my nose while doing one of his “launch and twist” sleeping moves, we got a king size mattress so he had elbow space and I had nose space. I thought God had smiled on us. On me, particularly.

Until 5 months ago.

5 months ago, Hal stopped lowering the toilet seat.

What, I need poop bacteria all over my face rag? I want a disease from brushing my teeth? Sheesh.

But, we’ve solved that problem, too.

I have my own bathroom, now.

It seems that the best way to function in our marriage is to have totally separate, non-confrontational lives. That way, we only connect on things that are pleasant, like haranguing the children and ridiculing the neighbors. The best way to get along is to avoid all unpleasant situations.

This is the life lesson I’ve taken away from my 16 years of marriage.

It’s just a good thing we’ve never disagreed on where to live.