Monday, February 14, 2011

I Like to Move It

“I love Mama’s Gas Car!” the 5 year old shouts.

What?

“The movie, Mama’s Gas Car. I watched it with Heidi and I love it!”

Drawing a blank, here. Is this some Disney I’ve never heard of? Or is it a new one by Ron Paul? Politics not working out so well, so he’s moved over to a brainwash-em-through-cartoons career.

The Oldest Child translates for me. Madagascar. Madagascar 2, to be exact.

I hate sequels. That’s why I’ll never get remarried. If Hal and I don’t work, too bad. If the first one wasn’t that good, or even if it was spectacular, the second one isn’t going to be better. I mean, if the ingredients don’t work once, why cook it twice?

People never come in sequels, anyway. Well, maybe if they have a sex change. “Pat before the surgery, Pat after.” I can see that as a sequel. So is Pat II better?

On a totally different vein, are you just in love with James Blunt? Okay, in school, I think he was probably some sort of geeky, big-nose boy with bad breathe. But then he joined the mili, got all moody, and now I’d like to see one of my children marry him. “I’d be the father of your child. I’d spend a lifetime with you.” Hm. A bit creepy, maybe, “So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.”

Whatever that means. What if her soul didn’t want to go out into the night? What if it liked to curl up in flannel PJs and drink hot cocoa at night? What if it preferred staying home? What about that, Mr. Blunt?

What would the “Goodbye My Lover” sequel be? Whipping out a gun and saying goodbye in the Rihanna/Eminem way? Probably not something like, “And then she had my children and grew a saggy butt and had hairs sprouting out of her moles.” Pop stars never write about what happens after the wedding. Well, except for Guns N Roses, and I think that was just a video. I don’t think the song itself is about post-wedding anarchy. But, who knows? Axl Rose was so juiced up he probably doesn’t even remember filming the video, let alone thinking about the higher meaning of the lyrics.

If, as a person, I have a sequel, I want her to be something along the lines of Gwyneth Paltrow meets Queen Elizabeth. Ballsy, can hand a man his own on a platter, but cuter clothes and modern dentistry.