Saturday, May 21, 2011

Linwood Delong

Linwood Delong had just sent me an email promising “no carnal breakdowns 120%.” I’m not sure what the percentage refers to, and I don’t think I can bring myself to begin a conversation with a man called “Linwood Delong”. He also tells me that “Best cures for male libido are sold here on the web!” Is that a cure for women who have male libidos, for men with a libido, or for one or the other who would like to have a male libido but don’t? He also implores me to “Try on lowered prices now!” I think I look better in full-prices, but I’m open to trying on lowered ones, too.

Do people respond to those emails? Is it a good business move? I’m trying to picture, or not picture, I should say, the many sitting at his computer who says to himself, “Yes, that’s exactly what I need.” I imagine he doesn’t do much more than sit at his computer, which makes me sad and more than just a little grossed out. He probably also wins at solitaire and has several games of World of Warcraft going. Poor balding, smelly, hairy, toe-picking, Journey concert-shirt-wearing man.

Hal has gone on a Facebook hiatus. Maybe he was tired of communicating with me via that private forum. He had something he really, really wanted to post, though, so he made me do it for him. It involves a video camera, a troop of Boy Scouts and the title “Campgrounds of Doom.” It is exactly as bad as you think it is. A friend of ours wrote, produced, directed and filmed it. A genius he may be, but if he ever replaces Lucas, I’m going to hold this early movie over his head until he pays me loads of money and promises to name his first born child after me.

For my part, I am not on any sort of hiatus, unless it’s a cleaning hiatus. May has become the new December around here, not only because it’s still snowing, but because the school has thrown in every sort of program, recital, performance and party they can think of. Each child has an end-of-school project, an end-of-school performance and an end-of-school graduation ceremony. I’ve got an end-of-school need to sleep which is not being helped in spite of loads of Tylenol PM. I might need the heavy stuff. I might need a new bottle of Nyquil.

Or maybe I should reply to Linwood’s email. He might have a magic snake medicine that will help me sleep. I’ll let you know if he does.

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