Saturday, April 16, 2011

Letting the Universe Know

Dear People Who Annoyed Me This Week,


First, I’m sorry that you’re a man wearing a Statue of Liberty costume. That really sucks for you. It also says a lot about your study habits in High School. But, please, don’t wave your “3 Days Left to File” sign in my direction. If I’m forced to stop my car for a red light and you are on the corner next to me, do not sing your Metallica song in my direction. Do not give me a thumbs-up and ask me to honk. I will not honk. If you were to stand in front of my car, I still would not honk. I might gun the engine and drive quickly over your poor, needs-a-different-job body, but I would not honk. I don’t like being accosted by men. And on a day when you’re reminding me about taxes, I would rather hit you with this dirty diaper that’s been sitting in my car for 4 days because I keep forgetting to put it in the garbage can than give you a thumbs-up in return.

Second, dear lady at the gym, there are two rows of showers. Each of these rows has a series of 4 shower heads, sectioned off by clear plexi-glass. If there is only one person (me) showering, DO NOT TAKE THE SHOWER NEXT TO ME! There are rules, and one of those rules states that you should choose a shower in the opposite row. I don’t want to see your ugly naked butt. I do not want you to see my ugly naked butt. This is not a bonding moment: it is a moment that makes me want to kick your legs out from under you. Men understand the “don’t stand next to me when I pee” rule. Why, oh, why, do you not understand the “don’t stand next to me when I shower” rule? And, if I’m in the shower closest to the drain, you cannot be anywhere in the same row. Because your nasty shower water will wash over my feet and I’ll feel your cooties and I may be tempted to pee on you. I’m just sayin’.

Third, sweaty gross man, ellipticals are for women. Be a man and go lift free weights or jog or do whatever it is that men do, but get off the elliptical trainer. And, if you feel you really must go “swish, swish, swish”, don’t do it next to me. The gym has, count them, 4 rows of ellipticals. There is absolutely no reason for you to put your eu-de-stale-cologne-and-sweat stench in my air space. I can smell you. And it makes me want to puke. So instead of feeling the thrill of going 60 minutes up an elliptical hill, I now need to take a Percoset and sleep. Besides, you think that this is a social occasion and you try to talk. My friends can talk to me while I’m working out. We talk about boobs and vaginas and you don’t have any of that, so keep your body and your chat out of my workout.

Ahh, that feels better.

3 comments:

Dan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
halsadick said...

Girls talk about vaginas while on the elliptical trainer? That is my new fact for the day.

Irish Cream said...

Stale sweat is gross.

"Fresh" stale sweat on a man is more than gross; it's disgusting; absolutely repulsive if he's not your husband. (I'd be gagging, if not puking or hurling!)

As if my baggy sweats and t-shirt worn at the gym are screaming "come hit on me!" Ha!

I run (well, ok, I trot and try not to look like a three-legged troll limping away). This way I either get passed up or pass by anybody else and I don't have to worry about anybody talking to me.

The only person who should talk to you at the gym is the person who came WITH you to the gym. Nobody else...