Sunday, January 16, 2011

Boob Job

We’re at a friend’s house for dinner. I’m taking off my jacket and being introduced to a man and woman I’ve never met. I’m wearing a sassy purple swing top, with a snap closure in front. As I grab my jacket to pull it off, I accidentally grab the top with it and when I pull off the jacket, my blouse unsnaps and shows everyone my girls. Well, at least, it shows everyone that I’m wearing a bra. The girls, gratefully, stay covered. Then, because I’m baring-all, I turn my back to the couple with a “just a second, please” and snap myself back in the now-detested sassy swing top.

I think I recovered pretty well. I handled it the way I thought Jackie O. might handle it, if she were stupid enough to get herself in that situation, which she never would have been, so any conjecture about what she would have done is rather ridiculous. As soon as I had snapped my shirt, I turned around, smiled at the wife and shook her hand, smiled at the husband while looking slightly over his shoulder to the left, so it looked like I wasn’t opposed to making eye contact but there was no way I was going to actually make eye contact. Ever. I also shook his hand, while cleverly avoiding eye contact and smiling.

But that’s not all, folks.

Once, in a huge meeting with some men sitting in front of me, I decided I needed to nurse the baby. Hal wanted me to stay in the meeting, rather than seclude myself a la 1950’s, so I stayed. After nursing, I removed the hooter hider, or the nursing blanket, depending on how Puritan you are, and listened to the meeting. About 20 minutes later, I discovered that I had failed to pull my shirt all the way over my girls. Yup, there I was, in a very non-nursing sort of meeting, showing everyone all my business, which is actually very little business, but still all that I’ve got.

Call me Janet, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.

I would also like to state, just in case my children ever read this, that I didn’t plan any of these peep shows, nor did I receive monetary reimbursement.

Unlike the time I flashed a friend in the middle of the library. She gave me a Tootsie Pop for that. I’d do a lot for a Tootsie Pop.


buttercup said...

What? No picture of you wearing the sassy swing top? Lame! So can you still be bought fo a tootsie pop now? ;)

Big Bahama Mama said...

I can't wear the sassy swing top, at least not for awhile. It betrayed me and I need to recover.
Yes, I can still be bought for a Tootsie Pop. I like cherry and chocolate flavors, but grape will do in a pinch.

buttercup said...

I will gladly take the offending shirt off your hands for a while :)You can deliver it when you visit me. I will have all three flavors of tootsie pop waiting as your bribe to come. :) (I know--It is SO my turn to visit you. I know.)