Friday, December 3, 2010

Bone Yard

Eeeew. I just found a bone in the Healthy Choice, frozen and never-natural meatloaf I was stuffing in my face as fast as I could. (It’s better if you don’t actually taste it.) I do not like being reminded that what I’m eating once chewed its cud. I do not like remembering that it once had organs and ligaments and pooped. I prefer to think that meat, like Republican talking points, comes pre-packaged and cleaned-up-for-the-consumer. If I wanted beef with bones, I would go chew on a cow, thank you.

I’ll tell you the best pre-packaged single-serving food item I’ve tried. Kashi Mayan Harvest. This yummy goodness has a bit of spice, a bit of grain, sweet potatoes and plantains. That’s right, bananas. How can you go wrong with caramelized bananas? If I lived in Miami, I’d be fat and constipated from all the fried plantains I’d eat. But one serving of Kashi’s version won’t do that to you. If you ate several in a row, as I am often tempted to do, that might be a different story. Unless, of course, you follow it up with a few dozen mango lassis. Ooooh, mango lassi. I would marry a mango lassi if it weren’t for that whole Proposition 99 thing, which excludes marriage of women and drinks.

Speaking of propositions, do you find it weird that San Francisco is trying to ban the Happy Meal but is also in the process of legalizing marijuana?

In honor of California’s soon-to-be laws, I’ve come up with a great marketing idea. Marijuana with the Happy Meal. They could call it The Mother’s Happy Meal. Instead of Disney toys, it could come with a pipe, or papers, or, better yet, the pot could be baked into the new McDonald’s dessert: Brownies.

Or, how about this: frozen Happy Meals? That way, I could stock my freezer and not have to go the trouble of moving my butt out to the car to go through the drive-thru. You don’t want people driving in California, anyway. Who knows how many of them will be medicinally doped?


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Minty Fresh

Yesterday morning, I stumble into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I pull out the toothbrush. I put on a sizable dollop of toothpaste. I begin to brush. And I think, “Hmm. This isn’t lathering well.” I brush a bit more. “Hmm. I don’t feel that minty tingle.”

I look at myself in the mirror. There is white stuff all over my teeth, but it isn’t the foamy goodness that says “Goodbye Dragon Breath.” I look at the tube on the bathroom counter.

Balmex.

That’s right. I have successfully eradicated diaper rash from my mouth.

And just in case this happens to you, I’ll tell you now how to get the stuff off your teeth. It takes a new toothbrush, and copious amounts of Sensodyne With Whitening Power. You’ll have to scrub, then rinse with Crest Pro-Health, then throw that new toothbrush away. That’s two toothbrushes down, in case you’re not keeping track. One because you put bum ointment on it, and the second because you scrubbed bum ointment off of your teeth with it. Or, if your husband went in early to work, you could just use his toothbrush as the second toothbrush. He’ll never know.