Friday, October 29, 2010

Becoming Irritated

I watched Becoming Jane last night. Hal was out of town and I thought I’d watch a good, sappy love story.

I hate that movie.

In my head, I knew Jane Austen never married. In my head, I knew the whole Pride and Prejudice ending wouldn’t work for her. And yet. And yet, Hollywood takes so many liberties, why not just one more? Why not add a note at the end, “And Tom’s wife died, so he ran back to Jane and they lived together in love and irony for the rest of their lives, which were long and happy?” I don’t watch movies for reality. If I wanted reality, I’d pay attention to my family. I watch movies for escapism, and my escapism demands a happy ending. And, no, the fact that he named his oldest daughter Jane doesn’t make it better. It makes him creepy. Don’t name your children after ex-loves. That’s rude.

Here’s another thing about movies. The whole “sultry man look”, you know, where he glares appealingly into the camera, looking dangerous, sensual and masculine, yeah, well, that doesn’t work in real life. If Hal tried to give me one of those looks, I think I’d laugh until I peed.

One more complaint about the movie. Where were the bad teeth? I like English people. Some of my best friends are British (that’s a joke for Sean), but they have notoriously bad dental hygiene. And yet, this movie that insisted on tearing my heart out and stomping on it because that’s what happened in “real life”, that same movie had Crest smiles on every single person, including Random Old People. If you’re gonna be real, be real, ya know?

On a good note, I did not find Tom Lefroy (James McAvoy) attractive. I kept thinking “Hobbit”. He’s the guy who played Tumnus in Narnia, and I think he would have made a good Bilbo Baggins. Although, in all fairness, this does NOT go on my list of “Ugly Naked Man” movies. Naked, yes. But not enough hair, not enough fat, not enough ugly to be on the list. I should write to the two naked butt men from the movie to let them know that. That will make them happy, I think.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Jay-Z and Me

I’m listening to Jay-Z’s Forever Young feat. Mr. Hudson. I’m doing laundry--the 7th batch this week. Toddler One helps by pulling the recently dried clothes out of the hamper and putting them in the garbage. It’s Autumn and I’m feeling melancholy today. I’m thinking about the olden days, back before Wii and DVDs. Forever Young is a song of my youth. Both songs with that title are, although I never was in favor of Rod Stewart.

It isn’t that I want to even know any of the people from my High School. I’d like to know that they’re doing well, mostly, and that Serious Boyfriend did not, in fact, become gay. I think it would be yet another affront on my feminine charms to know that an ex-love-of-my-life chose men over me.

I’m not feeling old. I’m just not feeling young. I huff, now, when I bend over to pick something up. When did I start huffing? I don’t recall huffing when I was 20.

Forever young? I’d be happy to be forever-not-so-creaky. I wonder if Jay-Z would sample that? He’d have to change the lyrics a bit.


“...and the Kool-Aid is always cold

and the music is always Wiggles

And the soccer moms just happen to stop by in the hood

And they hop their saggy butts up on the seat of that minivan.

With lots of wrinkles in today cuz there’s no tomorrow

just a picture perfect day that last a whole lifetime and it never ends...”


I love my life. Wouldn’t go back to being (shudder) 17 for anything in the world. I wouldn’t change places with any 20-something, no matter how Sex and the City her life may be. But Autumn makes me remember not only the past year, but all the past years (which are many), and with Jay-Z playing illicitly on my computer, you’ll have to forgive me for being a bit droopy.