Thursday, September 16, 2010

Product Placement

I’m sure you’re as outraged as I am. You know what I’m talking about. The new Gatorade ads. If you are, as I am, forced to watch various sports on TV, you will have probably seen them. For those of you with eyes too tender for football, I’ll explain. The commercials start off with black and white clips of sports in days of yore. (What does ‘yore’ mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what’s the OED on it?) The voice over describes how Gatorade revolutionized Sport by allowing athletes to go longer, harder, faster.
Yes, that’s right. Gatorade is claiming credit for improving athlete performance.
Please. Everyone knows that steroids deserve that Hall of Fame spot.
I need Mother Steroids. Today, Just Started Kindergarten refused to a walk to school. I couldn’t drive them because Naps in the Morning had just fallen asleep, and you know the saying, “Let sleeping dogs and babies lie.” I heard her outside for 7 minutes, crying and refusing to walk, because she couldn’t find her bag of chocolate Cheerios I’d given her for a snack today. It’s Field Day, so all rules are off. Instead of chocolate, she had to take an emergency bag of plain oat and sugar Cheerios. And she was mad. I’d told her to focus on the joyful things of the day: playing outside all day, lunch out with Mom and older Sister, popsicles after Field Day...
But we’re still in the throes of First Month, and this has been a monster for her. I don’t think she’s used her normally sweet voice once since school began. She has, however, thrown things, bitten, scratched and clawed. Yesterday, Oldest Responsible One slammed in the door and said, “I’m never walking her home from school again. She clawed my arm because I tried to hold her hand.” Apparently, Out of Control decided she didn’t need to move her feet.
I understand tired. I know this time will end. But, if Gatorade really wanted to help the world, it would create First Month of School Fuel. For kids and moms.