Friday, August 6, 2010

Nibble Lips

“He’s my little nibble-lips,” four year old said about Kissable Infant.

We’ve been nibbling on zucchini recently. I planted a total of 8 plants and got (drum roll) exactly 0, zero, zilch that produced. Last year, too, I managed to join the honor roll of Those Who Can Kill Zucchini. You envy me, I know, but some of us have skills and others just wish.

So, a friend who planted (honestly) 14 squash plants gave me good-for-bread zucchinis. 5 of them. We had chocolate zucchini cake, zucchini cookies (kids didn’t know about the squash in them), lasagna rolls with zucchini in the sauce, grilled zucchini (love to add cancer to my veggie), fried zucchini, crudite zucchini... I love zucchini. I love the way it's spelled. I love to say the word. I love the weed-like growth of everyone else's zucchini. If zucchini were a man, I might have to leave Hal. My kids, of course, are now rolling their eyes and saying things like, “Can we have carrots instead?” My answer: Yes. If you eat your zucchini first. Imagine, carrots during zucchini season. Save ‘em for the root cellar and eat your greens!

So, for good grades, they’ve chosen to go to a Moroccan restaurant. That means one night of eating sloppy food with fingers. I’m betting not a single item involves zucchini. But I won’t roll my eyes. There may be tomatoes, and tomatoes will soothe my heartache.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Bread Issues

Here’s a way to lose a couple of pounds. First, eat a piece of crust from some homemade bread. Enjoy the slight crunch, the lovely texture, the nutty taste. Next, slice another piece, put it in the toaster, and then notice that in the remaining loaf, there’s a little black thing. Pull it out. Look at it closely. Recognize that it is the pincher end of a pincher bug. Stand frozen so you don’t throw up.

When you can move again, spit out the remaining crust that has stuck in your mouth. Run upstairs, floss teeth, brush teeth, gag. Gag again.

Return to the kitchen. Throw away all the flour in the bin. Feel grateful that your husband has removed the bread, toast and garbage bag from the kitchen. Feel like throwing up, again, when he starts talking about the other black crunchy bits he noticed in the bread you ate earlier but which he thought were bits of wheat. They were not. Tell him that the conversation had better end immediately because you can feel pincher bugs crawling back up your guts.

When he asks if you would like some KoolAid, sock him in the ribs.