Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Am Mao

Hey! I have just become someone’s world! (See comment on previous post.)

I always knew I had the power to move someone to great heights. I knew that, given the right planetary alignment and moojoo, I could be a geophysical force to be reckoned with. I just thought that it would be someone who, well, I could actually communicate with on a two-way basis. But look at the incredible strength of that last blog. All about how intuitive I am, how I have my finger on the pulse of the nation’s food artery. I was witty, incisive and pithy, and because I have the ability to see and speak Truth, someone has finally publicly acknowledged that I am, in deed, the whole world. My arm reaches across the ocean and back.

Or, people in China have nothing to do and so they read stupid blogs like mine hoping to get a bit of free press.

When your life is as banal as mine, you take what you can get.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Everybody Eats When They Come To My House

Here’s my new get-skinny-before-swimsuit-season plan: only make food from the Gerber Recipe cards. Gerber, as in, the baby food giant. I’m guaranteed to lose at least 3 pounds a week because I will not even taste that nastiness unless I’m absolutely delirious with starvation. I’ll give you a sample, and I am not even making this up.


Individual Garden Vegetable Meat Loaves


1 2nd Foods green beans

1 2nd Foods garden vegetables

1 pound ground chuck

1 cup Gerber Oatmeal Cereal

1 egg, beaten

1/4 cup ketchup

1 1/2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

1 tsp. garlic powder


Now, in case you look at that list and think, “Clearly this is meant to be enjoyed by toothless infants who haven’t tasted chocolate,” let me assure you that Gerber insists it is “Something the whole family will love!”

I’m not sure what family that is, but it certainly isn’t mine. Not only have we not started the boy on meat, eggs or Worcestershire sauce, but we’ve made surprising leaps in the food department for most of us, and only Hal and the boy eat baby food at all. I don’t care how much ketchup you add, 2 cans of ground up baby mush mixed with more baby mush is still baby mush, it’s just ketchupy baby mush.

Full disclosure, I used to eat Hawaiian Delight baby food, also by Gerber, but thanks to those crunchy granola types, they took out the cornstarch and HFCS and changed the name and Voila! No more yummy dessert-in-a-jar for me. I also frequently lick my fingers when feeding Last Child any type of fruit, but only fruit, and only finger licking. No opening jars and mixing and, certainly, nothing called “garden vegetables” ever enters my mouth on purpose.

When my brother and sisters were little, my mother would open a can of Veg-All, mix it in the blender and have instant food for the chirping young ‘uns. No wonder most of them live on a diet of cereal and soda. Gotta maintain that sodium somehow.

Back to Gerber. You gotta love ‘em for trying to grow their market. Some poor almost-outsourced Dietician was charged with finding a new niche, and cleverly came up with a recipe that requires 3 separate Gerber items. That poor Dietician really ought to find a better job, like at the Purina factory. In fact, I’ve driven by a Purina factory, and I’ll be darned if that smell isn’t a sight better than “Individual Garden Vegetable Meat Loaves” would be.