Thank you alert leader Hank Johnson (D-Georgia) for your concise evaluation of the trouble our neighbor Guam faces. For those of you not in the know, Guam is a very small island (Hank has the dimensions) with very large problems. Our military wants to put additional troops on the island and Hank expressed his concerns to Admiral Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet. “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.”
Gotta admit, I had not even thought of that happening. My friend, Joe, comes from Guam and I’m wondering what steps he’s taken to secure his family from such a tragedy? I’ve come up with several solutions he may want to look into:
First, and safest for the whole island, we could hook Guam up to a tugboat and haul it to a location within the continental US, such as the Gulf. If they’re concerned about hurricanes, we could nestle them on the other side of Rhode Island. We could then tie ropes to anchor the island to the surrounding land mass. Assuming, of course, that we don’t pull too tightly--wouldn’t want a tug in the East to separate California once and for all from the rest of the U.S.
Second, we could leave Guam where it is so that we could maintain our strategic military presence and instead instigate a People Parking Policy similar to California’s street sweeping policies. On odd days, people with last names beginning A-M will be on the South side of the island. At midnight, they’ll meet the rest of the population in the middle of the island and change sides. Anyone shirking the midnight do-si-do will be publicly branded with a “C” for capsizor. (No, that is not a real word, but thanks to the issues facing Guam, it could become one. And to think, you read it here first.)
Third, due to the increase in population, and I ain’t talking numbers but weight, every day we could have a massive weigh-in. Of course, it would have to take place smack dab in the middle of the island to prevent tippage. Then, depending on the figures, each person will be assigned a specific square foot on the island to exist in for the day. If one person gains too much weight, he or she will be required to either chop off a limb or throw a small child off the island. This has several benefits, not the least of which is a decrease in surplus population.
Fourth, we could ship Congress to Guam. They’re so light-headed they’ll float, thus providing the inhabitants of Guam their own, personal, life boats. I’m just sayin’...