Thursday, April 1, 2010

Some Enchanted Evening

Thank you alert leader Hank Johnson (D-Georgia) for your concise evaluation of the trouble our neighbor Guam faces. For those of you not in the know, Guam is a very small island (Hank has the dimensions) with very large problems. Our military wants to put additional troops on the island and Hank expressed his concerns to Admiral Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet. “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.”

Gotta admit, I had not even thought of that happening. My friend, Joe, comes from Guam and I’m wondering what steps he’s taken to secure his family from such a tragedy? I’ve come up with several solutions he may want to look into:

First, and safest for the whole island, we could hook Guam up to a tugboat and haul it to a location within the continental US, such as the Gulf. If they’re concerned about hurricanes, we could nestle them on the other side of Rhode Island. We could then tie ropes to anchor the island to the surrounding land mass. Assuming, of course, that we don’t pull too tightly--wouldn’t want a tug in the East to separate California once and for all from the rest of the U.S.

Second, we could leave Guam where it is so that we could maintain our strategic military presence and instead instigate a People Parking Policy similar to California’s street sweeping policies. On odd days, people with last names beginning A-M will be on the South side of the island. At midnight, they’ll meet the rest of the population in the middle of the island and change sides. Anyone shirking the midnight do-si-do will be publicly branded with a “C” for capsizor. (No, that is not a real word, but thanks to the issues facing Guam, it could become one. And to think, you read it here first.)

Third, due to the increase in population, and I ain’t talking numbers but weight, every day we could have a massive weigh-in. Of course, it would have to take place smack dab in the middle of the island to prevent tippage. Then, depending on the figures, each person will be assigned a specific square foot on the island to exist in for the day. If one person gains too much weight, he or she will be required to either chop off a limb or throw a small child off the island. This has several benefits, not the least of which is a decrease in surplus population.

Fourth, we could ship Congress to Guam. They’re so light-headed they’ll float, thus providing the inhabitants of Guam their own, personal, life boats. I’m just sayin’...

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Ride

My poor bum hurts. It’s bruised and I can’t sit or walk or stretch my legs. I need one of those little old lady donut pillows or at least an ice pack.

Last Saturday, I got my first grown-up bike. Yesterday, we had near-80 degree weather, so Hal and I went on a 20 mile bike ride. Beautiful--ducks playing in water, trees in bud, you get the picture. At about mile 10, I started having issues with the seat. Specifically, my seat didn’t want to touch the bike seat any more. It’s really, really hard to ride a bike if you don’t want to sit down. I tried side-saddle, but that isn’t so effective when one has to peddle. I tried alternating cheeks, which worked well until they were both sore. I tried standing up and peddling, but not having been graced with thighs like Rambo, I soon had to sit down again. At about mile 18, I had to get off and walk. The rest of the ride, I spent time walking, riding and complaining to Hal. No use being in pain if everyone around me isn’t also in pain. I'm so Lance Armstrong.

When I was a teenager, a group of friends and I had a brilliant idea (Buttercup, you know who you are.) We decided to slide down a gentle waterfall. Well, at least, the slope was gentle. The rocks under the water? Not so gentle. Apparently, it takes eons longer than that waterfall had been in existence in order to smooth the sharp spear-like points of the rocks. The part that amazes me, looking back, is not the stupidity of the going down the first time. Nope. It’s the stupidity of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th times. I mean, it’s not like the rocks only got sharp on the last run.

Having learned from my youth, I’m wondering what the solution is to my sore bottom. I hear padded shorts help a bit. Really, I’m thinking I need a Lazy Boy, something with a cup holder and remote built in. And if it comes with a massage option, all the better.