Monday, August 2, 2010

Bread Issues

Here’s a way to lose a couple of pounds. First, eat a piece of crust from some homemade bread. Enjoy the slight crunch, the lovely texture, the nutty taste. Next, slice another piece, put it in the toaster, and then notice that in the remaining loaf, there’s a little black thing. Pull it out. Look at it closely. Recognize that it is the pincher end of a pincher bug. Stand frozen so you don’t throw up.

When you can move again, spit out the remaining crust that has stuck in your mouth. Run upstairs, floss teeth, brush teeth, gag. Gag again.

Return to the kitchen. Throw away all the flour in the bin. Feel grateful that your husband has removed the bread, toast and garbage bag from the kitchen. Feel like throwing up, again, when he starts talking about the other black crunchy bits he noticed in the bread you ate earlier but which he thought were bits of wheat. They were not. Tell him that the conversation had better end immediately because you can feel pincher bugs crawling back up your guts.

When he asks if you would like some KoolAid, sock him in the ribs.

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