Sunday, March 7, 2010

My Swagger

“My skin is soft. My sisters’ skin is soft. But your skin is all wrinkly,” remarks the 7 year old.

Well, thank you, child. I had felt good about my appearance for a whole 4 minutes and I appreciate you knocking me down a peg.

At church, I work with a woman who wears hats all the time. Not little beanies, but big floppy hats. Another friend was headed to England for a wedding and was talking to me and Hat Friend about the hats her daughters had bought for the event. I mentioned that I’d love to be able to wear hats. The Hat Friend replied, “Just do it! You can wear whatever you want, just put it on your head!” Well, I may be seen with snot marks across my t-shirts when I head to the grocery store, but even I will not subject the viewing public to ’70’s style straw hats with flowers. No, I am not kidding.

This same dear friend gave me a shirt that matches a sweater my son frequently wears. It is a good match--same colors, same material, etc. And with the size of the shoulder pads in the shirt, I could try out for football and not even need the gear. What do you do with that? I see her every stinkin’ week, and I know that every week, she’s waiting for me to show up in my matchy-matchy. And every week, I look at the shirt, take a deep breath, and start crying at the thought of it. She’s so nice, so thoughtful, and was so excited when she gave me the gift-wrapped “Spring sweater.” And I realize I’m shallow and heartless and completely vile, but I just can’t do it. I could put it on and take a picture for her, but I can not wear it to a building where I already feel like the ugly stepsister.

What would you do? And don’t give me any pep talk about being honest with her, because that just ain’t gonna happen.


Barbara Bee said...

Funny, funny comments. What would I do? I can't quite decide.

buttercup said...

I think you would look Gorgeous in a cloche hat--FYI. like this one:

As far as the sweater is concerned. Wear it once when you KNOW you will see her and then "lose it" or spill grape juice on it--or better have your daughters spill juice on it while sitting on your lap. Is it Wool? "Accidently" toss it in the dryer...then your son will have a second one or one of your daughters will be able to be all matchy matchy with him. If she asks about it you can tell her of its untimely demise. Use a mental reservation if you have to. Like say "My daughter spilled grape juice on it. I feel horrible." but what you are thinking is "I feel horrible that you gave me that hideous sweater." I love mental reservations.

And do you really have to wear it first, Nah! Let the accidents happen and then use your mental reservations if and when she questions you about it.Good Luck!

Percy2626 said...

Can you take out the shoulder pads? Is there anything to do to make it look wearable? Just a thought. Just stumbled here looking at blogs my only blog follower follows! :D I may visit again. I like what I've read so far. So many good blogs, so little time to read!

Migaloo said...

I like the hat that Buttercup suggested. Not floppy at all. Just stylin'.

Yep, have the "kids" help you out with the laundry one day. Throw in a brand new something that will bleed like mad (a newly tie-dyed shirt, perchance) all over the only other article of clothing in the washer, then shrink it up in the dryer to boot.

Don't tell her which kid did it (your inner child) so that she can't hold any grudges.

Big Bahama Mama said...

Wait, were these the honest E. kids who are telling me to lie? Woo-hoo--I knew I loved you for a reason, but your mom would be so mad at you.

Migaloo said...

I believe you misunderstand the concept of "mental reservations."

And as for my words of wisdom, John Bradshaw says it's legit. What more could you ask for?

And just in case you needed any more cosmic persuasion, the captcha that I have to enter to get this comment published is "trydryin."

No lie, 'cause we E. don't do that.

buttercup said...

Not a lie.."mental reservation" It is important to make that distinction like migaloo said.

See here:

It talks about mental reservation about 8:40

"A lie is a lie is a lie"

"My mother wouldn't lie, but she would use a mental reservation which is not a lie. Which is why it is a mental reservation and not a lie."

buttercup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
halsadick said...

Just tell her you are too disorganized to remember to wear it.