Friday, March 5, 2010

My Own Emmy

You’re looking at the stupidest parent ever. In my effort to let the oldest be, well, older, I took her and 2 friends to see Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief. Fine. They’d read the books, no big deal. And because I’d already okayed the movie in my mind, I also took the 7 year old. “What a great bonding moment,” I thought. It’ll be a date. When I was a teenager, I dated a guy who loved horror films--Hellraiser, that sort of stuff. So, I know scary movies. And, sister, let me tell you, this was SCAAAAAARY!

I cringed from about minute 10, when an English teacher turns into a Fury (why the poor English teacher? Isn’t a math teacher more likely to work for the dark side?) Remember the Freddy Kruger where he has his face stripped so he’s mostly skeletal/vein/thin sheet of death-white skin? Right. Imagine that, with wings, screeching in a deep Devil voice. Oh, what a bonding moment. And because I’m so quick on the draw, it took me until minute 78, after Hades Fire Devil Man shows the main character that he has main-character’s mother in Hell, after the word “ass” and “hell” have been bandied about, after Highway to Hell has played, after Poker Face has played, it took me until the main character starts walking through the portal to Hades, with skulls and everything, to say, “Gee, 7 year old with tears streaming down your face, I think we should get you out of here. What do you say?”

And we spent the remaining 30 some minutes watching the baby roll around on the floor of the hall. He was entertaining. He puked, he rolled around in it, he buried his nose in the almost-never-vacuumed carpet. It’s so un-scary to me now, because I’ve seen the worst movie ever made for kids except, maybe, Hotel For Dogs, which is scary for completely different reasons. Just ask Hal--he saw it 3 times, lucky ducky.

Maybe I can use this to my advantage. “Sweetie, I understand you want to date Tattoo Man Who Rides a Harley, but remember the scene where Medusa turns the mommy to stone? I swear, that’s child’s play compared to what I’ll do to you.”

Meanwhile, I’m waiting for the Parent of the Year Award.


Jody England Hansen said...

should we start a scum mothers club and have lunch together while we compare notes on all the ways we have ruined our children's lives and guaranteed them a cell on death row? I'll treat first, because I would win in the scum mother department.

halsadick said...

I watched "The Shining" BY MYSELF when I was 7. Late at night. I think it takes a lot to qualify for the scum mothers club (BigBahama and Jody are nowhere close).