Friday, August 21, 2009

Never Thought I'd Meet a Girl Like You

South African runner Caster Semenya is undergoing a series of tests to confirm that she is a female. Apparently, the IAAF, which monitors races like the 800-meter that Caster won, had a Lola moment, not unlike my rec center locker room experience, and have decided they need to verify. They have a team of at least 3 specialists looking into the issue.
Uh, 3 specialists? I’m thinkin’ if the IAAF needs that many people to determine gender, then they've never hung out in a High School locker room. Other than the blood tests, DNA tests and simple “pull ‘em down” test, how about a few well-placed questions to ferret out a man-cum-woman?
1. How far can you pee in a single stream?
2. When watching TV, what do you scratch?
3. Beef or chicken?
4. How many pieces of furniture in an bedroom suite?
5. What is a “valance”?
6. Which goes on first: cover up or powder?
7. What kind of car is that? (Trick question. If the runner answers by anything other than color, you know she is actually a he.)

Okay, that’s about sexist, I know. But 3 specialists, all doing different tests? If Caster wants to win enough to change her yoo-yoo to a whoo-whoo, then call her a girl and let her win. Good grief, you’ve already ruined any chance of romance she has, regardless of her birth-gender—give her some sort of premio to compensate.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

But They Won't Go Topless

A town in France, that bastion of liberality, has banned burquinis. For those non-Muslims out there (or for those of you who don’t look for options to Summer Shaving), a burquini is a head-to-toe covering suitable for swimming in. Material, fit, etc, all lend itself to water wear, while the amount of skin showing makes it modest enough for Islamic law. A local French pool banned the use of a burquini due to “France’s pool hygiene standards.”
Blink Blink.
So, what you’re saying to me is that having a whole body covered is dirty, while allowing men in Speedos is, what, clean? I’m thinking the more skin that’s covered, the fewer pubic hairs I’ve got floating around in my local pool. And I, personally, think more women ought to engage in the head to toe swim suit idea. In fact, gracias a las vericose veins mapping out Toledo on the backs of my legs, it would beautify the scenery considerably if I went Islam and wore more clothing to the seaside. Not to mention that I would be much more comfortable and less gossipy if the artificially endowed 2nd wives at the pool covered their flat stomachs so the rest of us could enjoy swimming without sucking it in.
I would also like to mention, in passing, that France is the nation of topless beaches. I assume that’s because it makes breastfeeding easier. Apparently, though, the 18-35 crowd isn’t falling in with tradition. Those girls wear tops, while the mamas and grandmas let it all hang out (or should I say, hang down?) Makes ya wonder what, exactly, is hygienic about wrinkled boobs scraping the sand. So, in summary, if you wanna go to France, and ya don’t wanna break any laws, you’re safer stripping.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Bad Press

Wishcraft by Chasing Fireflies. You can go onto their website if your children are more precious than mine. I’m looking at their Halloween catalog (can you at least let me get over school registration before you Halloween me?) One item I love (read that with your tongue in your cheek): the Bewitching Witch costume. The dress, which comes in 5 convenient sizes, is $68. You can get the hat (one size fits all) for $18. The black sequin choker is $8; the Feather broom (35”) is $16; the petticoat is $28. So, if you want your child to look oh-so-charming underneath her thick coat as she trick-or-treats this year, you can deck her out for a whopping $138 plus $14.95 shipping and handling. Okay, so maybe you’ve got a church party to go to, maybe the kid down the street is having a to-do for Halloween. Let’s say your cherub wears the costume a total of 4 times, which I think is pushing it for Halloween-ing, but some people love the holiday, so I’ll give you four separate events. $138 (plus $14.95 s/h) for 4 wearings. I’m thinking you should put the money to my child’s college fund, but whatever. Go into debt however you want, I guess.
And then, if your sweet witch wants to really feel part of Hallow’s Eve, you can buy her the Ouija board ($29, but it raises your shipping to $16.95). Oh, and I won’t mention the whole selling-of-the-soul to the devil cost.
Back to the costumes. No doubt they are absolutely adorable. There’s a Queen of Hearts outfit ($220) that I’d wear if I thought I could get away with it. But who lets their kids into clothes like this? Maybe once my kids learn to wipe chocolate on napkins and boogers on Kleenex, then we’ll talk about letting them wear clothes that don’t come from Target’s sale rack, but until then? Maybe not even for their wedding days (we haven’t made much progress on the whole nose-picking business).