Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Private Idaho

I just spent an hour looking for a book for one of the book groups I go to. That was the hour I had planned on finishing the book, but since I couldn’t find the wandering thing, I couldn’t finish the book. I remember, very clearly, leaving it on the couch. I checked under the cushions, under the couch, around the couch. I looked all over the whole house: my room, under my bed, around the kitchen table. Nothing. I thought I’d finally lost my tenuous grasp on reality. I had such a clear memory of leaving it on the couch that I knew I must have gone over the edge into the warm pool of insanity. Out of desperation, I asked the 3 year old if she’d seen it.
“Oh, yes, I put it behind the TV.”
Oh. Behind the TV. Of course. Why didn’t I think to look in the dusty, spider-playground abyss that is Behind The TV? And what a logical place to put a book.
To her credit, she had a thought process. Her 19 month old cousin is visiting and she had a concern that he might hurt the book. So, she put it in the only place she could think of that he couldn’t reach: Behind The TV.
And fat, pregnant chick had the joy of trying to fish it out. Because of course, 3 year old couldn’t reach it after she tossed it back there. So imagine a hump-back whale, beached, leaning between the wall and the TV to ferret out a book that should have been read an hour ago.
The book is worth finding, though. I’ve read it at least 5 times, but it still makes me giggle. Mama Makes Up Her Mind by Bailey White. When I first read it, I saw myself in Bailey’s place. Now that I’m on the verge of checking into my own private Idaho, I find myself nodding in agreement with the mother. Of course earthworms need a bit of adventure.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Rules For Living With a 3 Year Old

1. Always make sure there’s toilet paper before you sit down.
2. Always check the seat—and wipe off the drops—before you sit down.
3. If you leave your bath water even for a second, you will find My Little Ponies and Barbies floating around by the time you get back.
4. No, she will NOT put on her shoes.
5. Yes, she does in fact have to wear the princess dress to the store.
6. If you want to eat the whole candy bar, you’d better go into the Witness Protection Program, because no matter where you hide, she’ll hunt you down and you will have to share.
7. Joyful to meltdown in 2 seconds flat.
8. She will NOT tolerate any of your stupid talk radio.
9. She can scream louder than your car radio.
10. Baby Beluga must be played a minimum of 5 times a day or her head will explode from crying.
11. Don’t even think about getting all romantic with your spouse before midnight. She’s still awake and she will not let you finish.
12. Actually, you AREN’T the boss of her.
13. Snot tastes good.
14. Peas are projectile weapons. Or nose plugs. Save yourself the headache and don’t serve them.
15. In order to go down a slide, you must first pile rocks at the bottom and then walk up the slide, avoiding the stairs at all costs.
16. If you want to know where she is or what she’s doing, all you have to do is sit down on the toilet. She’ll find you within seconds.
17. Dora’s Starry Christmas is her favorite book and you WILL read it again. See number 7.
18. She does not need a nap. Until you get in the car at 5:30. Which means she will not go to bed until midnight. See number 11.
19. She can answer the phone all by herself. And she will hand it to you no matter where you are or what you’re doing. See number 16.
20. She’ll have to go potty as soon as you’re at the store.