Friday, May 1, 2009

Wake Up Call

Our neighbor set off firecrackers last night. Exact time: 1:44 AM. I know this because the middle child came crying into our room. She told me the time between sobs. It’s not as though firecrackers are a gentle way to wake up, you know. Sort of like someone pouring ice water on you.
Here’s the thing. He’s a perfectly normal person, very enjoyable, in fact. He’s in his mid-40’s and he and his family are our best neighbor-friends. I really love them. Or, did, until this. Now, I’m sure he has some sort of rational-to-his-mind explanation. Hal thinks it has something to do with May Day, maybe some war tribute thing. I’m thinking, salute the flag and go back to bed, but don’t set off firecrackers when I’m asleep, thank you very much. And certainly don’t wake up my children. Waking up my children puts you on my “punishable by death” list. Gratefully, it wasn’t the youngest, who, once awake, does not go back to sleep. Ever. If she’d come into our room, I may have suggested she go visit the neighbors. Dumb stupid ceremonial types. Don’t they get enough of the bang-bang on the 4th of July? And what normal person is awake at 1:44 AM, anyway? Go to bed, already. American Idol is over—why stay awake?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ghost Rider Requesting a Flyby

Whoops. That’s how the White House Military Office responded to a little slipup that sent a Boeing 747 flying so low over New York that people evacuated buildings in a panic. At least the government didn’t send the plane over the Manhattan skyline on Sept. 11. That would have been a double-oops.
Apparently, the plane was on a “top-secret” photo shoot. Just who they were trying to photograph and how they thought a 747 flying between buildings would be kept secret remains to be investigated. Mayor Bloomberg claims to be “furious at not being told”. Senator Schumer spent his press conference screaming at the FAA for not telling New Yorkers of the planned flight-cum-photo-shoot. Does this sound more like jealousy than outrage? “Gosh, golly, why don’t they want a picture of me? I’m pretty, and I’m popular, and I’m running for re-election some day.”
Ms. Garcia-Rose (do you really want to hyphenate that name?), a social worker who counsels patients with post-traumatic stresses, has threatened to file a lawsuit against the government. What an upstanding citizen, looking out for the interests of her patients like that. First of all, I’m pretty sure you can’t sue the government for making a stupid decision. If you could, don’t you think there are better things to sue them over? I’m thinking letting Martin Sheen into the Oval Office would be a start. Nice hair he’s got: smarts maybe not so much. Second, if anyone’s filing a lawsuit, it’s me. Do you know how much jet fuel 747’s use? And to fly it so the government can get pictures of it in the sky? I want my tax money back. I’ll send them a picture of a 747 and they can send me the cost of the fuel. No one runs for cover, no one calls the therapist, the government gets their picture and I get Sven for a day. I can’t see how anyone loses.