Thursday, April 2, 2009

Oh, Make a Man Out Of Me

She’s wearing a Belle ball gown and roller skating. And she sings as goes, “I am a princess; a warrior, too.” Thank you, Mulan. You may have taught my children to disobey me, to run away and to lie, but you also taught them that princesses are not always simpering, they do not always wait to be rescued, and they do not have to have big boobs.
I’m going to offend one of my dearest friends, but I have deep moral objections to Disney movies in general. Especially newer ones. Have you noticed that all the villains are ugly, have grotesquely large noses and usually look darker than the hero? Even sweet Alice in Wonderland, which freaked me out as a child, stars a queen who is short, fat and dark-haired in contrast to the Aryan dream child who invades her world. And that was back in the more innocent, hallucinogenic days.
And the new princesses (or the ways they’ve re-vamped, literally, the old ones). OHMYGOSH, can you say “tramped out?” From what I remember of the movie, Aurora is a bit, um, pointy in the bust, but does not pop out when she dances. And do you remember the dwarfs being able to see color when Snow White bent over them? Not in the movie! Even seashell wearing Ariel kept it all together when swimming or singing on a rock, but once she became the face of the Princess movement, everything changed. I don’t know if it’s peer pressure or what, but suddenly every single chick in a Disney flick, with the exception of Mulan, has to be wearing a Wonder Bra. And Ariel must have had a boob job, because those ta-ta’s wouldn’t fit into any sea shell I’ve ever picked up off the beach. A tortoise shell maybe. Just the way they “pose” for the pictures looks like an ad for an escort service.
Hal calls Pocahontas “Pokey Hooters” and wants me to get the adult version of the costume. I tell him he won’t look good in it.
Now, I’m not a complete social idiot. I enjoy the movies, like the music and have fun watching my girls get all excited about them. Here’s my real complaint about it all. Fair’s fair. Where’s the half-naked hero? Where’s my bit o’ joy amongst all the bouncy princesses? I mean, I get a kid with lice, a hunchback and a Beast. Seriously? Oh, wait. Now I remember. Mulan. Ahhhh, Mulan. Yummy, yummy, yummy.