12 Things I’ve Learned In My Old Age:
1. You will not “earn big money” by answering a handwritten sign on a frontage road.
2. Noses and ears grow your whole life. So do moles and black facial hair. So, yes, you will look like a witch eventually.
3. All babies are beautiful. Except that really skinny, wrinkled one I saw years ago. He was super, super ugly.
4. There is no dry cleaner in the world who can do sequins.
5. “Outpatient procedure” with “minimal recovery time” refers to the amount of energy the doctor puts into the surgery. From the patient’s point of view, it should be called: “hurts like the dickens, laid up for 4 weeks and no refills on the Percoset.”
6. No, they don’t want to hear your birthing story. They do, however, want to tell you theirs.
7. “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine” is not cute when it refers to a bunch of artificially endowed trophy wives talking about breast augmentation scars.
8. Your baby’s poop does not smell good to anyone else. Change the diaper!
9. The amount of time you’ll spend in the line at the grocery store is the direct inverse of the amount of time you had budgeted for that event.
10. The day you drive your kids to school in your jammies is the one day they won’t shut the car door and you’ll have to get out, walk around the car, and shut it yourself.
11. The alcohol does not actually cook out. But, you can probably get 5 good bites in before your husband tastes it and looks at you in shock and disbelief.
12. You do not get an award for taking your baby to church the Sunday after she’s born. She may, however, get RSV.
13. That cute kid in High School? His nose and ears have continued to grow, too. The grass is not greener…