I’m watching the Jonas Brothers right now. I know, you envy me. You wish that you, too, had a pre-teen girl who wanted to watch 3 simpering metro-trying-to-be’s chortling about romance.
I don’t think kids who haven’t begun puberty should sing about romance. It’s not a moral thing; it’s a laughing thing. I had the same problem with New Kids and Menudo. Oh, sure, they emote all over the place, but when their chest hair can be counted on one finger and they have a curfew, I’m just thinkin’ they aren’t the hot lovers their fantasies make them out to be. I could go into details but I’ll stop myself (you’re welcome). Now, when Michael Hutchence promised a new sensation or Ian McCulloch told me she had lips like sugar, I think they had some check marks to back up those claims. And forget about Kanye—I think he probably blows my cute little punk boys out of the water. First of all, because he sticks to one gender and I’m pretty confident that the same can’t be said for the men I listened to in High School. So if we’re talking about notch marks where women are concerned, I bet anyone with a grill wins. I’m a bit confused about will.i.am because, really, look at the guy. Sure, now that he’s got some dough in his money clip, but before he made it big? I doubt he was much of a heartbreaker. And never mind the Disney boys. They can’t even fill out those Wranglers, let alone walk with a swagger. So part of me thinks I shouldn’t worry about my 10 year old watching Nick moon over a girl—he’s mostly girl himself. But then another part of me thinks, “Oh, good grief. What if she thinks he’s the end-all of human romance? Either I’ll get a 13 year old for a son-in-law or she’ll decide she’s better off with a cat. And Hal’s allergic to cats. What do we do for holidays?”
I’m trying to remember if I ever loved a 13-year-old. Before I was 13, I mean. And Buttercup, let’s keep the rest of that story to ourselves.