Saturday, April 25, 2009

Roses

The three year old walks across the room, farting with each step. Instead of saying ‘excuse me’ as her mother valiantly tries to teach her to say, she turns to the rest of us seated at the table, smiles and says, “I goed 3 gases. That’s funny!”
This has been a rough pregnancy in one respect, and I tell you this in all confidence. I can’t control the gas. I eat Beano like it’s candy, take GasX as much as allowed, and stay away from high-gassy foods. It helps that I’m sticking to the “all refined sugar” diet. That cuts out beans, broccoli, cabbage and cauliflower. But, I still wake myself up at night thinking, “Who did that?” only to realized that I am the culprit I seek.
Hal has been an angel. Not that he has a lot of choice. One rude comment, one wrinkled nose, and I’d burst into tears and move back home with my parents. At least there I could blame it on their dogs (who, by the way, always have smelly butts).
Which brings me to my pet complaint. Pregnancy has to be the most un-feminine, most gross event most bodies ever go through. Honestly, uncontrollable gas? I had to speak in 2 churches last week, and instead of praying for inspiration or calm, I prayed that at least I wouldn’t let one go while on the stand. Boys don’t seem to mind their own effluviations so much—I had a friend who used to fart under the covers then hold his wife’s head inside of them. (I’m thinkin’ it might be the last time we slept in the same room, but whatever.) I went to school with a kid who must have been pregnant the whole 3 years that I knew him because he had constant gas. I counted once: 24 times in 30 minutes. Loud ones, smelly ones, the works.
Maybe this is my come-uppance for my pitiless mockery of said boy. He complained once that ‘it’s natural.’ My reply: So is sex, but it’s not meant for public viewing. So, if you hear a whiny voice saying ‘it’s natural’, you’ll know it’s either me or the boy I once knew. Oh, and David, if you’re reading this, I’m so, so sorry. Hope you found a pill for that (and would you let me know what it is?)

4 comments:

buttercup said...

Have I ever told you Tessa's comment after she passed gas? She loked at me with an innocent face and queried,"Why does it smell like roses everywhere?" Love my kids. Had a Roommate with bad gas and she would always respond with at least you don't have to live with it!It's true. We could leave the room, she had it as a constant companion. Sorry.

Irish Cream said...

I've found two very strange things that add my my flatulence during pregnancy (and greatly contributed to my morning sickness in the first trimester):

1. Dairy- turns out I was lactose intolerant. Great for when I revved up on the milk to get the necessary calcium for baby and me. Pshaw!

2. Citrus- yup, oranges, lemons, limes, and anything with their juice is strictly banned during pregnancy- not just for the smelly and noisy reasons, but usually because the process of expelling their byproducts hurt so much.

I lived on Gas-X while pregnant with Miranda until I discovered the causes. This pregnancy has been better, but still rough.

Did you make it through your talks?

Big Bahama Mama said...

I did, actually, make it through the talks. Another friend also suggested fennel seeds, either chewed or brewed, so I'll try all of those. Or, I'll write it in the baby's book of remembrance and pull it out when the kid starts giving me grief. I love blackmail.

halsadick said...

Typical clueless male. I never noticed anything.