Thursday, August 7, 2008

Shee-Ite

Here’s a parenting question for you. (Sorry, Shelly, it involves another poop story.)
The two year old walks into the room, smeared in fecal matter. Her face, her naked stomach (she’s always naked), her arms. She’s wiping it with a piece of toilet paper, which isn’t working so well, being covered in poop already. She looks very angry. “Sissy wiped poop on me!” she asserts. I grab her hand away from her mouth, rush her back to the bathroom and confront the 5 year old.
“Did you wipe poop on her?” I ask.
Mind you, the five year old is clearly emptying her bowels, which takes her a long time and always smells like the stuff that comes out of the men’s room at the Chevron station.
“No! I didn’t! I didn’t! She went poo before me and she did it!”
Oh, crap.
The two year old now yells that although she did go poop, she didn’t paint herself in it. It was the five year old. A shouting match ensues. I need to solve the problem quickly before I asphyxiate.
Since they’re both just as likely to have done it, I decided to lecture them on the death that can occur from rolling in feces. All this, while I’m gasping for fresh air. We’ve had this lecture before, many, many times, but apparently I am not a good teacher of hygiene and so someone did not get the memo that poop is not a toy.
And given the decibel level in that bathroom as they argued, neither was about to admit to being the artist. What would you do?

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Hosed

I’m such a manly man. I just fixed a leaking sprinkler hose in the back yard. “Big deal,” you might think. And I say, “Yes, it is a big deal. It is a big deal, Jimmy.”
Full disclosure, it probably isn’t permanently fixed. It’s right over a tree root, which appears to be pushing up on it, and no matter how much I squeeze the clamp, it won’t form a perfect seal, since the hose has to bend at the middle to go over the root. But, hey, it does not currently shoot water in a geyser-like fashion, so I call it fixed. And I didn’t even use duct tape. I bought tools, 2 of them, and supplies (clamps and a hose replacement segmenty thing) and I dug a hole in the ground to find the leak. And when I found it, I waited 3 weeks. At first, it was too hot to move. Then, I went on vacation. But, today I’m back, and I fixed the leak. And now I’m going to eat something sweet and yummy because I’m sure I burned at least a jelly-donut’s worth mucking around back there. You should have a jelly donut, too. After all, now that you know how to fix a sprinkler leak, you just might have to do it some day, so you’ll want to keep your energy up.