Saturday, October 25, 2008

Playing with the Big Boys

Don’t tell me you’ve never had the urge to do something completely taboo. I don’t mean something like burping after dinner with your in-laws. I mean something like burping in your pastor’s face and saying, “Yum—repeat spaghetti!”
For instance, when I see a butt crack, I have the almost overwhelming desire to drop something into it—a pencil, a quarter, dirt, whatever. I’ve never done it because I don’t want to be a social parasite, but I always feel like I’m on the edge of giving in.
The other day at the gym I walked by a full-bellied, gorilla-hairy man doing bench presses. I know about the hair because his shirt didn’t cover his midriff. In fact, not much would cover it because he had quite a gut. I don’t mean a six pack; I mean more like a keg. While walking by, I suddenly saw myself reaching out to tickle his stomach hair. I threw in a “goo goo goo goo goo” and the picture in my head made me burst out laughing. I probably destroyed his confidence for months; he’ll quit going to the gym and die of heart disease because some random chic at mocked him. Only I wasn’t mocking him. And obviously I didn’t actually tickle him, but I really, really wanted to.
At least once a week I have to stop myself from creating mayhem. I’m guessing other people think the same things. So, what socially unacceptable things would you like to do?


buttercup said... a missionary I was never supposed to leave my companion. We had to be together constantly! I can't tell you how many times I had the urge to let my companion get on the bus first and then run as fast as I could in the opposite direction of the bus, just to get a few moments of solitude. I know this is not socially unacceptable in most circles but it would have definitely been against the code of rules we had to live by as missionaries.

Big Bahama Mama said...

I actually went on illegal splits. My comp and an elder were practicing a song for a baptism. The free elder and I were hungry, so we walked to the local junk food store to grab something. It wasn't until we walked into the store that we turned to look at each other and realized that we were opposite genders and had just committed a big no-no. I bought extra food to ease my guilt.

Migaloo said...

Elder Pugmire was a good missionary. Just a bit too black and white and by-the-book for me at the time. Elder Rash wasn't getting on too well with his companion. At Zone conference we took an authorized temporary split to get something to eat and somehow missed the bus back to the rendez-vous point. We stayed the night at the outlying missionary apartment. Did wonders for the mental health of two missionaries. Gave heartburn and near aneurysms to two other missionaries.

I was dozing when Sister Kelly fell asleep on my shoulder coming home from a conference. A member was driving. Elder Rash had become my comp (those were good months) and was riding shotgun. Sisters Kelly and Zerangue were in back with me. Sister Zerangue noticed the "situation" and hissed up front, "Elder Rash, Sister Kelly is sleeping on Elder Edmunds' shoulder!" He turned around and said, "Oh, how cute," and turned back around. More one-sided heartburn and aneurysms. I don't remember how they got her off of me, but I do know that she came home and married her Romeo (true story) and I married Tink.

Then there was the time I almost went to Spain by myself during my first transfer . . .

Ducati Groupie said...

Hey Bryn, I'm Robyn's cousin, I remember meeting you once or twice. I love reading your hilarious thoughts because it's like reading my own!

I ALWAYS have the urge to reach out and pull the fire alarm. It's Red and Shiny and says "PULL" right on it! How can you NOT want to touch something like that?

Tara said...

I've always wanted to get a tank and drive it around Houston mowing down soccer moms (usually blonde) who are driving while on their cell phones and basically anyone who I thought was rude. I've also wanted to key the car of someone who pissed me off in a parking lot. One time I did completely embarrass my mother while we were shopping at Target. We were in the "intimate" apparel department and there was another woman shopping with her son and his friend who looked like they were around 10 or 11. They were playing with the brassieres and laughing and doing stupid boy things. I went up to them and told them to go to the men's department play with jock straps. They then went over to their mom and asked "What's a jock strap?" My mom got mad at me for saying that to them, but she laughed with me.

BlueSkiesBreaking said...

I really really want to run right through the arms of couples holding hands. Of course I also want to scream "Red Rover. Red Rover. Send me right over!" while I'm doing it!