Thursday, August 7, 2008


Here’s a parenting question for you. (Sorry, Shelly, it involves another poop story.)
The two year old walks into the room, smeared in fecal matter. Her face, her naked stomach (she’s always naked), her arms. She’s wiping it with a piece of toilet paper, which isn’t working so well, being covered in poop already. She looks very angry. “Sissy wiped poop on me!” she asserts. I grab her hand away from her mouth, rush her back to the bathroom and confront the 5 year old.
“Did you wipe poop on her?” I ask.
Mind you, the five year old is clearly emptying her bowels, which takes her a long time and always smells like the stuff that comes out of the men’s room at the Chevron station.
“No! I didn’t! I didn’t! She went poo before me and she did it!”
Oh, crap.
The two year old now yells that although she did go poop, she didn’t paint herself in it. It was the five year old. A shouting match ensues. I need to solve the problem quickly before I asphyxiate.
Since they’re both just as likely to have done it, I decided to lecture them on the death that can occur from rolling in feces. All this, while I’m gasping for fresh air. We’ve had this lecture before, many, many times, but apparently I am not a good teacher of hygiene and so someone did not get the memo that poop is not a toy.
And given the decibel level in that bathroom as they argued, neither was about to admit to being the artist. What would you do?


The Stevens said...

Sounds like something that would happen around here. It wouldn't be so funny if it were my babies, but I am laughing. Very hard. The things kids will do.

Adam said...

That's a great, great story.

Your kids are like mini John Waters.

Big Bahama Mama said...

They have yet to grow mustaches.

Tara said...

I am not looking forward to this, but alas, it is inevitable.

Megan said...

"POOP IS NOT A TOY"!! oh...the things I have to look forward to.

Tamara said...

This has happened to me when my 4 year old was 2. I found him, naked and covered head to toe in poop. Not only was it all over him, it was smeared on his bed, the walls, his sister's crib, my brand-new carpet and rugs. I didn't know that any kid could produce so much...

Anyway, I threw him in the shower and with cold water scrubbed him down, washed his mouth out all the while yelling at him that "poop was not okay to play with, not okay to eat, not okay to smear all over his room..."

I then dropped him off at a neighbors so I didn't have to look at him while I scrubbed and Lysol-ed his room clean for the next two and some hours. YUCK.

I wish this was an isolated incident,and that this lecture (or the cold shower) sunk in, but it was repeated a few more times.

To save my sanity, I invested heavily in Spot Shot and an expensive carpet cleaner, and lots of chocolate.

Big Bahama Mama said...

Oh, Tamara, I admire you for not leaving it for your husband to clean up.